Friday, January 14, 2005


Jack and I drove two blocks down the street for Middle Eastern food this evening (the windchill was in the single digits, OK?). Apparently the flava grew on him over there... and he ordered the lamb shank complete with sticking-out bone. Can you say "ewww!" Of all the dead animals that one was always my least favorite; how it stunk up my grandmother's apartment every Easter! No wonder the Indians call those vile victuals "mutton." Later Kirby Q-tie sniffed Jack's lamb-hand, drew back, opened his mouth wide and in general made the weirdest face I've ever seen. On a cat, anyway.

While channel surfing -- what an odious waste of time --we came across the FitTV network (FatTV would be more apt) and something called Guru 2 Go. The premise seems to be this: a pair of asexual yogis go around bringing yoga into unsuspecting people's lives, which on its own is not a bad thing. This time their marks included an uptight male party planner; before teaching him some odd chant and the classic Surya Namaskar sequence, the so-called guru donned a piratelike head wrap, for a reason I cannot recall. To help his focus, I think. Hello??? For obvious reasons my friends and I always wear bandannas on our domes while watching The Amazing Race (the participants seem to have an infinite supply of them, and it makes us feel like we're part of the show. Also it was one of the most useful things I brought on my trip to India not to mention Jack's to Iraq; really, all one needs in life apart from the Maslow stuff* is duct tape, bandannas and a Sharpie). But not while teaching. Later they accosted some people on the street during their lunch break and taught them "Goddess Pose," to which -- who knew -- I was first introduced by the august Shandor Negrete....who most definitely did not call it by that name. This is a standing pose with feet wide apart, toes turned out, in which you drop into a deep squat and move up and down and then start to mumble a so-called chant while making a gyana mudra (Shandor did *not* have us utter anything in the position; nor did he use a yoga mat but instead utilized tiny portable sticky things strapped to his hands and feet). The people on the street really seemed to like this -- especially the guy bouncing up and down like a Jack-in-the-Box. Then the pair, who are the same height and age and have the same intonation of speech and are not unlike the male Jammu and Kashmir, descended on an older ladies' stitch-n-bitch group, and proceeded to show them some odd chants and shoulder shrugs and facial contortions and made them do forced laughter for several minutes, because they too are *so* stressed out (which eludes me; one of the most therapeutic things I learned in India was how to crochet -- thank you Kashmir -- which is a great way to channel anxiety [the tighter the stitches, the greater the stress release]. I recently took it up again and it's now curing my insomnia). Later it was back to the now-much-calmer party planner, to check up on his sun salutations and show him how making tiny arm circles and finger gestures in the middle of the workday would re-energize him. They ended each session not with Namaste but with Satya-something -- as in, "The truth within me recognizes the truth within you." Cacaste would have been more apt.


Oh! I just learned they're teaching Kundalini Yoga. I'll say it so you don't have to -- Maybe I should go to that type of class before I get so JUDGMENTAL. Bad, bad, bad lady. Again failng at the ahimsa. No wonder my left knee tweaked in Kapotasana today.

Here's what the producers say about the program, which airs Friday nights at 7 and 10 (apparently the show should be called How Not to Pose.... or Asexual Guy for the Third Eye):

(Reality) 15 x 60 min series
Two Midwestern, blue-eyed yoga instructors living in West Hollywood use their Kundalini yoga techniques to diagnose and treat the physical and emotional problems of everyday people. Individual and group subjects are assessed using hidden surveillance cameras. At the end of each episode, the yogis use a hidden camera "Yogi Test" to discover if their new students have used yoga techniques to overcome their chronic challenges."

During the show we could not stop picturing the pair descending on Iraq and encouraging the troops -- and the insurgents -- to chill out ("Who's fighting, and what fo'?").... while they (sporting pirate headgear of course) try to avoid both enemy and friendly fire. Maybe they could go for the elections. Now *that* would be must-see TV.

That said, I'm nonetheless itching to see the next episode:


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