X-MESS II, OR WHY CACA NEVER WEARS BROWN



Christmas Eve. The family is sitting and standing in the kitchen, drinking, snacking and joking about the baby Jeebus.

Koppel, holding a large Jack + Coke, looks down and notices a brown speck on the floor.

"What's that?" he asks, squatting and peering at it.

"It looks like a raisin," offers Drey.

"It looks like a baby cockroach," says Caca.

Koppel bends down and reaches for the raisinlike thing. The rest of the family watches, rapt, as he stands up and rolls it between the first two fingers of his left hand.

"Let me see it," says Drey, walking closer to him.

Koppel proffers the brown bit to Drey, who brings his face closer.

Time seems to stand still as everyone continues to watch, motionless.

"It doesn't look like a raisin," says Dreyfus, slowly putting it up to his nose. He inhales deeply, and suddenly jerks back his head.

"It's shit!" he yells, his voice high. "Ewwwwww!" he screams, waving his arms. "Get that shit away from me."

Koppel calmly walks towards the garbage can and throws the thing out. Then he washes his hands.

"That came from someone's shoe," he says.

Caca lifts up her foot and performs a twisty yoga move that allows her to look at the sole of her hideous-but-sensible Earth Shoes. Her face clouds when she sees the light brown dogshit packed into the the tread.

"It's me," she says meekly, and starts skulking towards the back door. The group moves away from her, as if she were a Baby Ruth bar floating in a public swimming pool.

"Take those things off!" yells Drey, his voice still high. "You can't wear them here!" Putting down his Scotch, he bends over and starts scanning the floor for more turds. Caca puts her shoes in the garage and returns to the kitchen.

"It's all over the place," yells Drey from the hallway. "What the f--k? Where in the hell were you?"

Caca ignores him and apologizes profusely to her poor polluted nephew, who once did indeed resemble the carrot-top newscaster Ted Koppel. Drey, crouching, continues searching the house for hidden poop.

"It's in here, too," he yells from the bathroom. "Where else were you?"

"I was in your bedroom -- and in your office too," Caca yells. She is joking but he doesn't know that. Feeling dirty, she apologizes again and washes her hands at the sink.

"The one on the left is antibacterial," says Monca, pointing.

"I knew there weren't any raisins in the food," she adds.

Caca apologizes again to Koppel, who now has a fresh drink.

"At least it was your poo hand."




Photo of 'Layna.Xmas.Hoop takem by Drey and processed by Caca