FAMILIARITY AND CONTEMPT

Why is it so easy to fall in love with other people's cats -- even when one's own cat, Mr. Needleclaws (not his real name), is home alone and cannot eat because his beloved owner is out of town?

Oh, the guilt!

While in Cali I fell head-over-heels for my hosts' two cats, Kissy and Prissy (not their real names).

Kissy is an outgoing, well-adjusted medium-hair Calico who reminds me of my old cat Fritzka - aka the best cat that ever lived. She's smart and clumsy and has an adorable smudge on her nose.

Prissy is like a smaller, whinier, needier Mr. Needleclaws. They're both dumb, good-looking, athetlic grey Tabbies.

Whenever I'd see Kissy and Prissy, I'd get far more excited than I do when I see old friends, and start talking to them - way more than I do with other people.

They seemed to return my affection.

Kissy let me clip her nails.

Whiny Prissy would curl up like a grub and sleep on the end of my bed each night. (I'm sure this had nothing to do with the fact that it got quite cold at night and my room was the warmest in the house. No, it couldn't be that).

I started missing those cats as soon as I got to the airport.

It was worse when I returned home, and Mr. Needleclaws immediately got tangled in my feet and would not leave me alone.

When I gave him the gift I'd bought him in Cali, he sniffed it for half a second and walked away.

He spent a long time sniffing my luggage, trying to find evidence of other cats.

When I sat down at the computer, he placed himself between the screen and me, and swished his tail in my face.

Then he jumped onto my lap and dug his needle claws into my thigh. When I tried to push him out of the way, I noticed that his bottom smelled bad.

When I went to use the toilet, he got there first. When I sat down, he jumped up and bit my hand.

He was so annoying, I locked him out of the bedroom when it was time to go to sleep.

His whining woke me up at 4AM (seemed like 2AM).

Even worse was the banging noise from his simultaneous, Olympic-calibur (yet nonetheless futile) attempts to turn the door knob with his thumbless paws, while standing on his hind legs.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and threw open the door.

"Why are you such an a**hole?" I asked.

"I'm so sick of you! Go away and let me sleep!"

Crushed, he gave me a hurt look, turned away and skulked back to his spot on the couch.

And I went back to bed, dreaming about Kissy and Prissy.

And thinking it's probably a good thing I'm not married....