Saturday, October 08, 2005

We are the gootswa and we're coming to town (beep beep)

Last night I dreamed an interminable dream in which I shopped and shopped and shopped but could not find the perfect White Sox shirt.*

Today I am off to the sprawling and horrifying Woodfield Mall in northwest suburban Schaumburg to (hopefully) dig up a story on the What Not to Wear Mall Tour.

Do you think these things could be related?

BBC's T and S

Unfortunatley the Mall Tour is for the American ripoff of the brilliantly addictive BBC original. The tamer lamer Yank version offers very little in the way of the fine art of ripping someone's style to shreds and then pointing out the assets they've been hiding. Poseur-y US hosts Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are no Trinny and Susanna; never have I seen them grab or smack someone's cans in delight or even once utter the word "tits." Nor do they possess a sense of humour. What's that? Irony? How do you pronounce it?

At least they're bringing the 360-degree mirror and leaving the smarmy hosts at home. And they are going to Ground Zero for bad dressing in the area. We fat. And we dress bad.**

Unfortunately I did not get it together in time to convince Jack from Iraq to don Utilikilt + desert boots + artillery cap and accompany me on this suburban nightmare.

I spose I'll have to rely on my three-tone hair (an overgrown monstrosity featuring gray and brown on top, hennae on the bottom, something else in the middle) and wear one of my usual appropriate-for-someone-20-years-my-junior-outfits and take the flak by myself.

Time to prep by chai-ing up and doing some yoga. In that order.


*I don't even like the Sox. I'm a north sider. Like it or not, I'm with the Cubs.

**We dumb, too.


  1. Anonymous11:34 AM

    You F-ing north side Cub yuppies!
    Get a fucking life, the Cubs suck, and no one cares if they win or lose because it is all about that retarded yuppy lifestyle you gnats live up there.

    Root for Chicago you Cub retards

  2. Anonymous11:39 AM

    I like that new kind of shirt you have pictured, burn the bras and show 'em gurlz!

  3. Anonymous12:48 PM

    I know you yuppy Cub fans, you sip chai tea, eat tofu & brown rice, do yoga for 'exercise' and you somehow think you shit doesn't stink.

    We Sox fans drink cheap domestic beer, out of cans! (the horror) eat greezzy cheeseburgers & fries, and walk to the corner tap for 'exercise' and we know our shit stinks.