FEELS LIKE 108...



...which is the heat index here in Chicago. An auspicious number in Hinduism, Buddhism and possibly even Catholicism -- but not when it comes to air temperature.

It's hot enough to fry a dog's brain.

It's so hot my skin itches from prickly heat.

It's so hot I refuse to get on my bicycle.

It's so hot the cat lies pancaked and panting in the bathtub.

It's so hot you can get second degree burns from stepping on the sidewalk with bare feet.

It's so hot a lot of old people are probably going to die.

But probably not as many as the 739 that expired during the heat wave of 1995.

To top it off, five of the city's Lake Michigan beaches are closed due to high levels of E.coli (poop) bacteria. These beaches are not adjacent to each other, which seems logical, but located up and down the shoreline, from 6000 North to 7500 South.

Yet the beaches in between -- all 28 of them -- remain open for business.

How does that work? Do the fecal greaseballs stay in one spot during the hot weather? Does the water refuse to move if the temperature is over 90? Or is the city afraid to close down the entire lakeshore during a heat wave? (Remember, this is the city where an incumbent, Machine-backed mayor lost an election after The Snowstorm of '79 crippled the city).

Whatever the case, I bet The People are out there splashing around anyway.